


Azoic Unreality

by SlimyPennies



Category: Azoic Unreality, Original Work
Genre: Aliens, All the Genres Basically!!!, Competition-Set Fic, Drama, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Gen, Horror, Humour, Slice of Life, non-permanent death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-02 01:19:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16776754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlimyPennies/pseuds/SlimyPennies
Summary: Laggy the Subspace Bunny drags twenty-two unwilling contestants across space and time to play in its elimination-centric Total Drama-like game of death and rebirth in pursuit of a single wish. You will meet many fun faces, including:- Shy Nerd Aieti- Quyen, the Brash One- Noble Protector Cobb- Schemer Gala- Know-Nothing Know-It-All Meymona- Accident Prone Ushra- Gul, the Epitome of Cowardice- Cream Cheese! He is a dog.- And many more!





	1. Devil's Playground

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had something heartfelt and wonderful written here, but then I forgot. I hope you guys like this, because I sure do!

Outside of our known universe, there is a place where reality ceases to exist. It is a multicoloured void, sprinkled with little bits and pieces - little crumbs of reality itself - that broke off of the main reality one way or another, and are now lost in the infinite nothingness.

How does a place outside of reality exist? Shouldn't it not exist? By definition, is not existing the same as not being part of reality? Yes and no. Like a plate that holds your slice of apple pie, the unreality needs to be there to hold the reality and the crumbs that come off. If reality falls off entirely… who knows what will happen? Will there be anyone left to figure out what would happen? Probably not.

If the apple-pie crumbs of reality can fall off of the main slice of the universe onto the unreality plate, then it's not much of a stretch to believe that live organisms can fall off and live in this unreality, right? Again, yes and no. Most beings who cross into the void instantly cease to be, instantly torn apart by the unstable nature of the state of non-existence. However, sometimes, very rarely, matter just snap, crackles, and pops into a new living being. It could very well be old, forgotten about matter being recycled into a new creature, or it could be new matter entirely, as this phenomenon has never been witnessed. Not even the unreality or the crumbs or the plate have been observed. Not once has any inhabitant of the main reality seen the world beyond worlds, at least until twenty-two beings simultaneously were dragged into the unreality.

\---

Deep in the heart of the unreality, crumbs shaped to form big towers and odd structures, weird and unexplainable figures of numerous colours that could never be thought of by the human brain, nevermind seen with their eyes, littered the colourless ground. It was like a big neon playground filled with unimaginable and unthinkable forms of delight for any void dweller.

Atop its warping, towering, spiralling tube maze made of unknown matter, matter that would destroy Earth if put within a light-eon's radius of it, a being sat, swinging its legs over the side of the structure. It was covered in pink, and resembled a bunny with its long ears and stout body, but it had limbs and a tail like a squirrel. It also had a massive dark blue heart shape on its chest.

"Boi-oing…" It sighed, "Golly gee, it's so boring sometimes… Gutzybod!"

As the being called out for its colleague, Gutzybod walked up the tube maze, hanging off the side at a perfect ninety degree angle. It resembled a humanoid figure, made of hard plastic in the same way a capsule toy is, only it had various neon meats inside it, meats from assorted creatures across the reality.

Gutzybod let out a loud gurgling noise at a pitch that humans would measure in the negative hertz. The fluffy pink being, Laggy the Subspace Bunny, nodded its head.

"Yeppers, Gutzybod, we could do with a little bit of company." Laggy muttered, rubbing its paw on its chin, "A lot of company… Fun, exciting, fresh, meaty, weak-willed, flawed company! Reality-dwellers! They're so much fun to watch! They'll give me so much entertainment, boi-oing!”

Laggy clapped its paws together in excitement, ears bouncing up and down. Gutzybod awkwardly looked away, but Laggy grabbed its face, paws squishing against the plastic.

“Oh boy!” It said, “We’ll have so much fun, boi-oing! We can watch them play and compete and _die_ and have fun!”

Gutzybod nodded in agreement.

“Hurray!” Laggy yelled, swinging its arms around in excitement, “Let’s do it! Let’s do it! Oh, what should we call it?! Ah! Wait! I got it, boi-oing!”

With a flick of its wrist, Laggy’s paw glowed with pure energy, and the crumbs contorted and twisted into a fused platform of bright blues and purples. Laggy grinned as it closed its eyes in thought.

“Who should I invite?” It said aloud, “Where do they go? I have it all in my mind, boi-oing!”

Buildings popped out of the void, and Laggy laughed as it created more and more fun things to enjoy, more than any other corner of the reality and unreality, more than anyone could ever think of, but Laggy knew it wasn’t just anyone. Laggy was Laggy, all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-fun.

“Yay!” Laggy cheered, picking up Gutzybod, “Gutzybod, let’s test out our new playground!”

Laggy’s paw zipped into the folds of time and space itself, crossing over infinity itself, stopping in the most minuscule corner of the universe to grab a single human. It pulled the human out of the void, only for the human to instantly explode into a puddle of blood, guts, and bones, scattered in an almost perfect circle.

As Gutzybod went to collect more meat, Laggy stopped it.

“No, I like this human.” It whined, big red tears plopping out of its eyes, “I forgot to put the atmosphere to human levels, boi-oing! Oh, what a state! What a state!”

Laggy instantly stopped crying and grinned widely as it waved its arms, adjusting the atmosphere so quickly, it crushed Gutzybod.

Laggy looked at Gutzybod, neon meats crushed into a cube, its plastic poking through its meat. Laggy shook its head.

“Golly, Gutzybod, you’re so weak, boi-oing! Lemme fix you!”

Laggy wiggled its nose and its tail, and reassembled both the human and Gutzybod, warping the fabric of reality to breathe new life into them both.

“Oh, boi-oing!” Laggy yelled, “Speaking of breathing! There’s no oxygen here!”

Laggy and Gutzybod watched as the human choked on the almost-nothingness that surrounded her, gasping and wheezing and turning blue in the face. Gutzybod took a step forward, but Laggy held it back.

“Just let it die.” Laggy said, not looking away from the human, faintly smiling, “Just let it die.”

As the human took one final useless gasp of air, to no avail, she plopped down onto her stomach, completely pale.

“Oh boy, human, are you okie-dokie?” Laggy asked, almost sing-songedly, “Human? ...What if we put the body back where she was before, boi-oing? Wouldn’t that be funny?”

Gutzybod whined in response, and Laggy sighed.

“This is why I’m the Funny-Bunny and you’re the… Meat… Meat-N-Greet. Meat…”

Laggy snapped its fingers and air filled the atmosphere surrounding them all, finally creating the perfect human conditions.

With a wiggle of the nose, the human came back to life, not even bothering to get up. She trembled, an arm in a red cast and a prosthetic arm gripping her red and white helmet, countless scars riddling her dark frame.

“Human?” Laggy said, waltzing up to her, “Oh, human? Are you alive?”

The human did not speak back, instead whimpering prayers under her breath. Laggy grinned widely.

“Human Ushra! Your prayers do not work here! I am the most powerful being your feeble human head can think of! Do not waste your breath, boi-oing!”

“How do y-you… How do you know my name?”

“I know everything.”

Ushra winced as Laggy took her head in its paw, forcing her to look at it. Its eyes widened with an almost psychotic joy as it looked over the scars and bandages that riddled her frame - scars that existed before it ever cared to notice her.

“You’re not very lucky, are you, boi-oing?”

“N-Not… Not really…”

“Hmm…”

Laggy looked over a small scar on Ushra’s hand, a small line that was darker than the rest of her, and ran its paw over the line. It removed the paw, unmarked skin replacing the line.

“If you had one wish,” Laggy asked, “What would it be?”

“W-What? How did you...?”

“If you had one wish, what would it be?“

“I-I don’t know-“

“Answer the question.”

“I don’t know!”

Laggy looked back at Gutzybod, who was eyeing it suspiciously, at least as suspiciously as a creature without eyes could do, and Laggy shrugged.

“Fine. That’s enough for now, boi-oing!” Laggy chirped, “We need to meet the other contestants!”

“C-Contestants?” Ushra repeated.

“Oh, all at once, please! I know they won’t all die at once now, and, gosh, is it tedious to revive lots of reality-dwellers! Ushra, you’re such a good test subject!”

Ushra slowly stood up, clenching her fists.

“Die? Other p-people? No! No, I won’t let you!”

Without even looking in her direction, Laggy wiggled its paw, knocking Ushra back down. She struggled, but couldn’t get up.

“Oh, you don’t know the worst, or even the best, of it, boi-oing!”

Laggy’s paw penetrated the vast void of reality once more, circling around the cosmos until it stopped, suddenly grabbing the entirety of the universe and squeezing it, squishing the other twenty-one contestants out of the planet and into the unreality.

There were humans, sure, lots of them, but several twisted creatures emerged from Laggy's paw, yelping and mewling loudly.

A big bug man chirped at the nearest alien, a woman with a hijab instantly started poking at prodding at a large snake-like germ, there was a big black dog nibbling on people's pants.

Amongst the chaos, there was an alien, one that looked like a mucus-covered sleeping bag wrapped tightly around a bundle of organs. He slowly looked over the nearest human with his big black eyes, a short man who covered himself in a bulky purple suit, the man instinctively hiding his face in his hands.

The alien poked the man with a sharp finger, and the man passed out. The leathery brown flesh of the alien slowly morphed into a humanoid shape, one that was fat and absurdly obsessed with the colour orange, with an almost exclusively orange wardrobe, topped off with a little orange party hat sitting on his orange hair.

It's totally not suspicious to only wear orange, good job!

A buff fish lady warbled at the nearest person, a large humanoid birch tree with a mushroom cap. Said birch tree wasn't too amused.

"Quiet down!" Laggy yelled in a language that somehow everyone perfectly understood, tapping into some primal sense that every being innately has, "I forgot to turn on the Reality-Dweller Translating Doo-Hickey!"

Gutzybod stood next to Laggy, and Laggy hit it.

"Okay." Laggy said, "It's on now, you can talk."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" The fish yelled.

"I said talk, boi-oing, not yell your head off."

"WHO THE FUCK-"

Laggy flicked its wrist, and the fish shut up.

"Well, I'm Laggy! Laggy the Subspace Bunny! The most powerful being of all time and space and… well, the most powerful being ever, period! And we’re here to have some fun out here in the unreality!"

Gutzybod let out a sound, and Laggy sighed.

“And Gutzybod’s here, I guess, but it's mostly me, boi-oing!”

The doggy barked, and Laggy laughed in response.

"Of course you ask the best questions, little doggy-woggy! We are here for fun, and fun there will be!"

"Oh, what kind of fun?" A woman in a blue sports jacket said.

“Very good question, Claire!”

“...How do you know my name?”

“I know everything! That’s why I brought you guys here! You’re all messy reality-dwellers, filled with flaws and fleshy, meaty bits.”

"Ha, meaty bits, am I right?" The imitating alien said to his victim, before realizing he was still on the ground, "Oh, um..."

"Reality-dwellers are about as fun as it gets," Laggy continued, "and I took twenty-two of you here to compete for a single wish!"

One human, a tall, skinny, and pale man with a red varsity jacket, scoffed.

"One wish?" He said, "Who do you think you are? You think you're a genie or something? You think this is a funny joke? I'm not laughing, freak."

A taller woman with a pink flowered hijab and long-sleeved pink shirt interrupted him.

“Not to be that guy, but we are in space. That's the issue we should be focusing on, kid!”

“Kid?!” The varsity jacket guy said, getting up in the woman's face, “Who do you think you are?!”

The girl in the blue sports jacket from before, Claire, got between the two of them, tsk-tsking in disappointment.

"Listen, you two." Claire said, "No fighting."

"I'll fight if I fucking feel like it!" Varsity jacket guy yelled, "I won't take shit from some weird furry fuck or this _____!"

Varsity jacket guy kept talking, but no sounds came out of his mouth.

Slowly, everyone turned to see Laggy holding its paw out, pure energy emitting from it, absolutely livid.

"That's not a TV-friendly word, Victor." Laggy said.

"Not TV-friendly?" Hijab lady repeated, "Hey, what did you call me, jackass?"

"I'll tell you what I called you!" Victor seethed, "I called you a _____!"

Despite screaming his lungs out, Victor couldn't be heard.

"Stop saying overly mean words when I'm trying to have fun!" Laggy yelled, "Don't make me take drastic measures!"

"Drastic measures?!" Victor scoffed, "It's not my fault she's a _____!"

More muted words were screamed, and, without warning, Laggy shot a beam out of its paw, a beam that shot Victor’s arm off, instantly cauterizing the wound as not to let it bleed. Victor screeched in pain, and the rest of the contestants yelled in shock.

“What the fuck, what the fuck?!” Victor yelled, shaking, “What did you do, you bunny bastard?! My fucking arm- My fucking arm is-!”

Everybody stood there, frozen in pure awe and horror.

Laggy reshaped reality to reattach Victor’s arm, but Victor still shook in terror, staring at where his arm was separated. It was perfectly put back on, and if he didn’t witness it come off, he would have never believed that it was shot straight off. It didn’t even hurt anymore.

"Anyways." Laggy said cheerfully, "One wish! I will give one of you one wish!"

"...What kind of wish?" A blue humanoid with the bottom of a snake hesitantly asked, eyeing Victor's arm.

Reality warped around Laggy as it showed off its immense power, Gutzybod triumphantly presenting its friend.

“A good wish! A bad wish!” Laggy boomed in an echoey, powerful voice, “Any wish! Infinite riches! Infinite power! Infinite anything! One of anything! Vague concepts! You got it!”

"I doubt you can do that." Hijab lady said, "Even after that stunt you just pulled."

“Doubt me or not! You’re all still participating! I enjoy fun games and _slight mutilation_ , so I’d rather you get your spirits up! Get excited! One wish!”

A chubby girl with a hoodie on that had some obscure anime character on it perked up, excited. She was carrying the dog, despite the dog being way too big to be carried casually.

"Oh, what kinda game will we be playing?"

“Well, first I’ll shove you all in a box.” Laggy said, making a box shape with its paws, “Then I’ll put that box in a box. Then I’ll put that box in a box. Then maybe I’ll remove the first box you guys were in without moving the other boxes because I can do that! Also, you might be cramped in there and… uh…"

"I would appreciate it if you explained this better." Claire said, "Not everybody has your train of thought down pat, Mr. Laggy."

"Mr. Laggy…" A girl in a wheelchair repeated before scoffing.

"Okay, boi-oing!" Laggy cheered, "I'll put you all in boxes inside boxes inside boxes in little pairs of two! First pair to find me wins! I mean, not the wish. You won't win the wish yet, boi-oing! The wish is later!"

"I have a question about-" Claire said.

"GO, BOI-OING!"

With a flick of its wrist, large structures made of pure light and energy burst from below the contestants, swallowing them all whole. It seemed as though time itself stopped and then skipped ahead a minute, each pair in their own small, pink room.

The dog, a Newfoundland mix of some kind with grey spots, sat, wagging his tail. His partner was the fish alien, her shiny shark-like skin glittering in the light. A long appendage stuck out of her head, surrounded by a pinkish bandanna, a round bulb sticking out at the end of the appendage, light emanating from it.

"Oh, uh." The fish said, "Hi."

"Boof." The doggy said.

"I don't understand what the fuck that means."

The doggy kept barking.

"Listen, my name is Quyen, a'ight? This is the part where ye tell me your name."

"Boof."

Quyen ground her rows of teeth together in frustration before everything clicked in her mind.

"You're a fucking animal." She said, "You're an alien animal and you're my fucking partner."

"Boof!"

Quyen took notice of the collar around the dog's neck, a tag dangling from the front of it. She kneeled down and looked at it. Despite never seeing anything resembling these scribblings in her life, Quyen instantly knew what it read.

"Cream Cheese?"

Cream Cheese barked happily, licking Quyen's face.

\---

Meanwhile, Ushra screamed her lungs out, stuck under the bug man. The big blue beetle looked down, shocked.

"Oh my Iris." He said as he stumbled onto his little buggy feet, "You okay, champ?"

"I think you broke my rib." Ushra said half-jokingly.

"...What's a rib?"

The bug man stood at over seven feet tall, and had both a massive horn on his head and hulking biceps on both pairs of arms. His large, brilliant blue beetle shell had massive iridescent wings poking out of them. He straightened his posture, getting his confidence back.

"Anyways." He continued, "I am Cobb of the Dy'hros. Two time rolling champion. You're in good hands with me, Mr…?"

"I'm a girl."

"Oh. My apologies." Cobb said, rubbing his larger set of arms together sheepishly, "Where I'm from, the girls are a lot bigger."

"Bigger than you?"

"I suppose! I'm pretty large, all things considered."

"Well, um, I'm Ushra." Ushra said, "You can't really tell, but I'm kinda freaking out. I mean, I kinda already died and now there's aliens and, heh… I'm kinda convinced I might be dreaming."

Cobb crouched down to get on Ushra's level.

"You died?"

"I mean, it wasn't anything too major, I just… kablewed up and then y'know… suffocated, but, uh… I came back! So! Y'know! Um, let's just get out of here, alright?"

Cobb scrunched his face up, unsure and concerned.

"...Alrighty."

\---

Victor had tossed his varsity jacket aside and was pounding futilely on the one door in the otherwise empty room. A large robot lion with big green eyes was standing over his shoulder, wearing a striped purple suit with a matching purple bowtie. Her tail wagged as she smiled, metallic fangs shining in the light.

"Hiya! I'm Lina the Lion!" The robot chirped, "What's your name?"

"How many times are you gonna say that?!"

"Until I get a response, silly!" Lina said, before cocking her head, "Is today your birthday? Are you the birthday boy?"

"No, it's not my fucking birthday!"

Lina slouched, droning her words.

"This is a family establishment, and we do not appreciate foul language here. Please cease your swearing before you are relegated to the timeout corner."

"Time out corner…" Victor hissed, "Can you at least help me break down this door?"

Lina wordlessly and effortlessly kicked down the door, sending it flying off its hinges. Victor quietly looked at the empty doorframe as he picked up his jacket, impressed.

\---

A golden cube with one staring, unblinking eye stood on six long, spider-like legs, glowing ethereally, a halo of gold surrounding her. This was completely unnoticed by her roommate, the plant lady, standing tall with her birch-covered skin and mushroom cap, a cape of moss and flowers covering her spiky wood shoulders.

"Y'know, usually people really like it when I glow like this." The cube said, "They go nuts for it. It's a hypnotic light pattern."

"I can't see light patterns or whatever, darling." The plant replied, "I just read your chemical signals. Much better than having those cumbersome eyes."

"I have only one eye."

"Oh, I apologize." The plant lady said, "Cumbersome _eye._ Well, my name is Gala."

"Um." The cube said, "I'm Ky-6. Glad to meet you."

"People usually are glad to meet me, I'm fabulous."

"...Okay?"

\---

"Get up, asshole." A tall mono-eyed cat-like alien said, "Hey? Hey! You hear me? Get up, asshole."

Said mono-eyed alien was tall and spindly, covered in black and white stripes. Its single eye had a cluster of pupils, all floating across the sclera, facing wherever they pleased.

"No." Purple suit guy from before said, the guy who got wrecked by the imitation alien, lying on the ground in the fetal position, "I don't have to, weirdo."

The alien flicked its long tail back and forth, growling to itself.

"Okay, look." The cat said, "You scared? You being a little scared pup? My name is Xqbit, alright? Now I'm not a fucking stranger. What's your name?"

"My name is Gul." Purple suit guy said calmly, not moving an inch, "And I'm not getting up for you."

"Fuck you."

\---

The imitation alien stood there, carefully eyeing his roommate, a blob of fishy blueish-beige flesh.

"Uh, hello." The imitation alien said, "How are you?"

"Globster."

"Ah, yes." The imitator said nervously, "I really feel globster too, dude."

"Globster."

"Very globster."

"Globster."

"Mmm-hmm."

"Globster."

"...Okay, are you making fun of me now, or...?"

"Globster."

"Is that all you can say?"

"Globster."

"Is that your name?"

"Globster."

"My name is… uh... Mack."

"Globster."

"I'm just gonna assume that's your name."

"Globster."

"...Maybe talking to you is useless."

“Globster.”

“Then again, nothing in this world is useless. ...Also, the other worlds you guys come from probably are full of… uh… useful things.”

“Globster.”

“I hate these words, useful, useless… Like our worth is tied to how others benefit off of us. That’s bogus.”

“Globster.”

“...I feel stupid and a little insane.”

"Globster."

\---

"Psst, hey."

As Victor left the initial box he and Lina were held in, he heard a faint whisper.

"Hey. Victor. Hey."

Victor rolled his eyes, walking away from the noise.

"YO JACKASS!" The voice screeched, "I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

A primal urge took over Victor, an urge that he could not control. A feeling of immense curiosity and yearning overtook his soul, forcing him to stand still before slowly turning around to look at the source of the voice.

A large mural covered the light-based wall, colours and figures twitching in and out of existence, gunk dripping in all directions. The longer Victor looked, the more his head hurt.

"SHITHEAD." The mural screeched, "YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE SHITHEAD. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE A KEY FOR THAT DOOR?"

Victor's head throbbed, his vision going white with each pulse.

"IT WANTS EVERYONE TO INTRODUCE THEMSELVES FIRST. IT DOESN'T CARE IF YOU CAN BUST THROUGH THE DOOR. IT REALLY DOESN'T."

Victor's nose spewed blood, pooling at his feet. His eyes ached as they watered… or maybe it wasn't his tears?

"IT KNOWS SOMEONE IS WATCHING. IT WANTS TO PUT ON A SHOW FOR THEM. NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE."

Yes, there were tears in his eyes, but not the kind that are supposed to be there, the hole-in-your-eyeball kind. Mucus dribbled from the tears, large globs of yellow-green and red sticking to Victor's cheeks.

"SO, DON'T BOTHER BREAKING ITS SEQUENCE. IT SET ALL THIS UP FOR A REASON. IT'S TRYING TO IMPRESS SOMEONE."

Without warning, Victor's eyes finally gave up under all the pressure and exploded.

\---

“Why won’t this fucking door open?” Quyen grumbled as she kept shoving the key in the lock, “Why have a door that can’t be UNLOCKED?!”

“Woof.” Cream Cheese said.

“I would die for you, but please shhhhhh.”

—-

Meanwhile, anime hoodie girl was holding a small and pink fluffy alien, one that had his pig-like snout covered by a bandanna, deer-like antlers protruding from its furry head.

Anime hoodie girl had frizzy blonde hair, and was fat. Her smile was like a beam of pure sunshine directed at your heart: painfully warm and disgustingly wonderful.

“Squeeze me more.” The alien said, “End my suffering. Do it.”

“Aaaaaah!” Hoodie girl screeched uncontrollably, “You’re so fucking cute! I just wanna snuggle you and hug you and hold you and- and! Hngh, my head hurts from how fluffy…”

“My blood is made of sunshine and rainbows. If you crush me, you’ll, like… find meaning in this horrible void we call life.”

“Noooo! I wanna be friends! My name is Nikki! What’s yours?!”

“Depressed. Suicidal. Craving death.”

“That can’t be your name.” Nikki said, “Tell me it! C’mon!”

“I’ll tell you if you kill me.”

“You’re such a killjoy… But you’re so cute, it burns! If you don’t tell me, I’ll name you!”

“Hey!” The alien said, suddenly angry, “Wait! Do I look like an animal to you? Do I look like I need naming? I have my own name given to me by my own people, thank you very much!" 

“I dunno.” Nikki said coyly, “I might just name you Fluffles…”

“My name is Mr. Shorty!”

Nikki tried to keep in her laughter, but failed.

“God, that’s worse than what I would’ve named you.”

“Shut up!”

—-

Claire twirled a bit of her hair around her finger, leaning up against the wall. She smiled at her partner, a blue humanoid torso filled with robotic upgrades and enhanced organs attached to a fleshy and bumpy snake-like bottom. She could see the galaxy in the alien's eyes, specks of yellow that perfectly matched the colour of the alien's massive teeth.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Aieti.” Claire said, “I’m looking forward to, y'know… getting out of this box with you.”

“Oh, um…” Aieti said, her blush turning her blue skin a light green, “I-It’s an honour. You aliens are so nice to me…”

“It’s weird hearing someone call me an alien, but thanks.”

—-

Wheelchair girl slouched, scratching at her tacky green tank top. Her partner, an idol in a brilliant blue skirt and too much glitter on, accessories with patterns of stars and music notes covering him from head to toe, ruffled her purple hair.

“Oh, come on.” The idol said, “Sing with Twinkle Mania! La-la-la…!”

Wheelchair girl rolled her eyes.

“No.” She said, “First, it’s fucking weird that you refer to yourself in the third person. Second… Honestly, I think there’s glitter in my eyeball…”

“There can never be enough glitter!” Twinkle Mania shouted, twirling around his partner, “And Twinkle Mania wants everyone to remember who we are! But… we will stop if you promise to not forget our name.”

“Sure, Tingle Manny.”

“Oh!” Twinkle Mania said in faux-offense, “You wound us!”

Wheelchair girl crossed her arms and huffed loudly.

“Well.” Wheelchair girl said, “That was intended to be insulting.”

“I know you can never forget us!” Twinkle Mania yelled as he hugged wheelchair girl, “We are a star! So shiny! So glittery!”

“You’re yelling in my ear.”

“Ooh! It just occurred to us!” Twinkle Mania said, “We have been shouting our name from the rooftops, and we don’t know yours.”

“Don’t even try.”

“We will tickle you until we find out!”

“What?! Why?! Why tickling?”

“Because! What, are you ticklish?”

“Yes, on my feet…” Wheelchair girl started, before looking down, “Wait, no, I’m not ticklish anymore, nevermind.”

Twinkle Mania wiggled his fingers.

“Everyone’s ticklish.” He said, “It’s just a matter of finding the spot.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Twinkle Mania inched closer.

“I swear to fuck, if you touch me…”

Twinkle Mania grinned from ear to ear menacingly.

“...Fine!” Wheelchair girl yelled, throwing her arms up, “Jesus, my name is Lana! Don’t fucking touch me!”

“Yay~!” Twinkle Mania said, “The frozen heart is starting to defrost!”

“You’re weird.”

“Thank you.”

"I meant that as an insult."

"I know!"

\---

Hijab girl, who’s name was actually Meymona, muttered to herself as she poked a large, slimy germ-worm.

The germ-worm, Glol, wore a fancy suit for no discernible reason, and was very tall. They were surprisingly fuzzy, like a tomato that you left in a box for too long and went white.

“This discovery could make me famous…” Meymona said, “I could- Um.”

Meymona watched as her arm got stuck in Glol’s slimy glol-ness. She struggled to get it free, but it was like vacuum sealing your dick in gelatin and expecting everything to be okay.

“Oh dear.”

Without warning, the slime started tugging on Meymona’s arm, sucking it in.

“WHAT THE FUCK”

—-

At what point does a turtle stop being a turtle? Peedy pushed those boundaries well. Yes, she walked like a turtle and had a shell like a turtle… but her massive horse-like legs and black-tentacled underbelly made her look like a creature from a horror story.

“You humans are so small.” She said, towering over her partner in the cube, “Oh, it truly makes me anxious… Are you okay where you come from? Do the other creatures pick on you?”

The human in the cube, Sugar, was dressed in a pastel pink hoodie, matching the rest of his pink outfit, covering his face with a medical mask with a cat face on it. He had an eternal frown, evident by the way his eyes crinkled, like he’d seen things nobody should ever see.

“Hmph. Yes.” Sugar said, "We're all terrible."

“Ah, child, that sounds alarming! Are you okay?”

Sugar shrugged and grumbled to himself. Without any warning, the door to the cube opened.

—-

“Why did we get a key if it’s just gonna-“ Quyen screeched, “I-If it’s just fucking gonna OPEN BY ITSELF?!”

“Boof.” Said Cream Cheese.

“I love you too, goddammit.” Quyen said through her fishy tears.

Quyen walked through the door, surprised to see all the other contestants there, plus one corpse courtesy of Victor.

“What the fuck-“ Mack said, “Oh no, oh no no no no-“

“Lucky bastard.” Mr. Shorty huffed.

Peedy cocked her head and wrapped herself around Victor, cooing soft words of comfort.

“Rest well, child.”

“How did this happen?!” Ushra whispered, nervously sweating, “How did-“

She looked around the crowd before focusing on Lina. Her eyes narrowed.

“You.” She said, stomping over.

“Me?” Lina said, “Lina the Lion, mascot of Circle of Life Pizza, now available for private birthday parties?”

“You did this! I know your tricks like the back of my hand! The one you _bit off,_ " Ushra yelled, waving around her prosthetic arm, "along with the rest of my arm!"

“Returning customer?” Lina beeped, “Do you have a coupon?”

“No, I don’t have a-“

“Do you have a punch card?”

“No! Stop trying to-“

“Free medium pizza with a full punch card!”

“I don’t fucking-!”

“Shhh. Listen.” Claire said softly as she held Ushra’s shoulder, “I sense you and the robot here have some history together, but being so _angry_ and _violent_ won’t solve this. We need to talk calmly about this.”

Glol bumbled over, tripping over their own thin, gooey, centipede-like legs, Meymona sticking out of the side of their body.

“Actually, we should figure out who…” Meymona said, gesturing to Victor’s body, Peedy still tightly wrapped around him, “ _his_ partner was instead of talking calmly or harassing Lina. His partner probably watched him die, after all, and could have killed him.”

“I was Victor’s partner.” Lina chirped.

“I told you so.” Ushra said.

“Wait, wait.” Gala said, cutting into the circle of humans and also Glol, “Are we saying this extraterrestrial is dead? Has anyone checked for vital signs?”

“His eyes exploded.” Meymona said with a pretentiously full-of-herself smirk, “Nobody can survive that.”

“Well, I would not know that, considering I do not have eyes. Continue on.”

“Really? You’re playing the minority card?” Xqbit said, poking Gala square in the chest, “These weird fucking fleshy freaks make me uncomfortable too, but you don’t have to try and make us all pity you!”

“Well, I never…” Gala hissed, batting Xqbit's paw away, “You are putting words in my mouth, you rancid excuse for a person! I never once said these extraterrestrials make me uncomfortable! You, on the other hand…”

Claire came in between them, holding them apart.

“Okay, okay.” She said, “Stop. We can all get along, we just need to use nicer tones and talk about our feelings, okay? Can we talk about our feelings?”

“I feel fucking annoyed.” Xqbit huffed.

“...Not what I had in mind, but that’s… _close._ ”

“Okay, no!” Meymona shouted, “This is a mystery we need to solve! We need to figure out who killed this man! We need-“

Victor sat up, rubbing his red and itchy eyes. Peedy flinched in surprise.

“Ugh, gross.” He gagged.

He looked over at Peedy, who loosened her grip on him.

“Ugh, grosser.”

“Oh my fuck.” Quyen said, “These aliens are capable of coming back from the dead?!”

Ushra scratched her chin, then a metaphorical light bulb went off in her mind.

“Oh…"

“Didn’t you say you died already?” Cobb said to her, “Is this what you meant?”

“I think so.”

“Victor looked at a weird painting.” Lina beeped, “Then it started saying bad words at him. His head did a boom after that.”

“It’s not just a weird painting, asshole!” Victor hissed, “It was a weird _alien_ painting! It-"

"Okay, everyone shut up or whatever." Ky-6 said, emitting her hypnotic light pattern, everyone instantly shutting up, "We have a thing to do, and I would appreciate if we did the thing without talking dumb shit."

"Yes, miss…" Xqbit purred, wagging its tail before suddenly shaking its head and looking away, "Fuck! What am I saying?! First, can someone drag my partner out of our room? He's being a little pussy."

"If anyone deserves help, it's me." Meymona said, "I don't think this alien knows what it's doing."

Silence overtook everyone for a second.

"Hello?" Meymona continued, "What are you just-"

"...Wait, can ya not hear them or somethin'?" Quyen said, "You just interrupted Glol. That's rude."

"I… I apparently can't."

"I can't either." Nikki said, "Guess us humans just can't hear."

"Their voice must hit a frequency outside of our range." Meymona mused, “Fascinating.”

"Alright, this is enough, boi-oing!" Laggy boomed from beyond the light box hell, its voice somehow penetrating everyone's heads, echoing like it came from every angle possible, "More moving, less talking!"

"Right, Mr. Laggy must want this whole box thing to end sooner than later." Claire said, "Let's get going. All in agreement?"

Everybody nodded, and they all ran off in different directions.


	2. Split Up, Regroup, Trauma.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two competitors become team captains, and two other competitors get their shit fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna upload this the day after the first one idk what happened like it was done?? i didn’t change anything about it?? huh

“I will admit, the way you made everyone stop talking back there was magnificent.” Gala said as she jogged along, Ky-6 slowly striding along next to her with her long legs, “It must be very useful, I’m sure.”

“I’d rather just, uh… not be able to do that, I think.” Ky-6 muttered, “It’s weird, having everybody crush on you whenever you open your, like, mouth or whatever. Nobody actually cares about what I’m saying, it’s just, uh… They only care about my lights, y'know?”

“Darling, I would kill to be able to garner the attention of everybody else in the room like that!”

“Haha…” Ky-6 laughed dryly, “You wish you could, until like… Ugh, it’s a lot less fun than you think.”

“So, what would happen if you saw yourself doing that?”

“Excuse me?”

“If you saw your reflection.” Gala said, “I know lakes and shiny things reflect light and show a replica image of things.”

“Oh.” Ky-6 said, “You see, where I’m from, mirrors don’t, uh, perfectly reflect-“

“...What is a mirror?”

“Right. You… You don’t have eyes. You don’t, like, need a mirror. I’m stupid.”

Gala scratched at her mushroom head.

“I’m curious, what is a mirror? I suppose, according to context, that it would reflect images, but why and how?”

“Okay, so, we like seeing what we look like where I’m from.” Ky-6 explained, “Mirrors… Mirrors help us see what we look like so we know that we don’t, like… look stupid. Helps us keep our eyelashes, like, all nice and well done.”

“What is it made of? Do you just have a water thing in your abode, or is it shiny?”

“Why are you so obsessed with this?”

“I do not know, I just- Oh, watch out for that.”

Ky-6 stopped in her tracks, a lagoon of lime green running in front of her, an impassable obstacle.

“Do not get in.” Gala said, “It has very potent chemicals.”

“I wasn’t going to, like, swim in something that’s green.”

“It’s green?”

“...Why do I keep forgetting?”

“Well, no worries, darling.” Gala snickered, “I can get us across! I just need to plant a seed, and we’ll be able to cross… in a week! Hee! Just some humour.”

“I can get us, um, across right now.” Ky-6 said, “Just wait a second…”

Ky-6 lifted up her front legs, tapping them together, a plank of light appearing in her grasp as she took her legs apart. She placed the plank on the ground, right over the river, and walked over it.

“C’mon.” She said, “What’s the hold-up?”

“You just walked on air.”

“Oh. You… You can’t see the bridge I made. Um… Okay!” Ky-6 said as she stuck out her front leg, “Just walk towards my leg and I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”

Meanwhile, Ushra was running as fast as she could, Cobb hovering behind her.

“Oh, hell yeah!” Ushra yelled as she saw Ky-6 and Gala in the distance, “We’re catching up!”

“Oh, don’t fall into that-“ Cobb said, but it was too late.

Ushra tripped and skidded across the floor, slipping into the river headfirst. Bubbles came from below as she scrambled to get out of the green, her hands slipping on the side of the bank.

“Oh!” Ky-6 hissed in surprise, her cube turning spiky as defence before retreating back into herself, “Oh my, Gala, help it!”

Gala snapped out of her stupefied state and hauled Ushra out of the river, Cobb making his way next to her.

The good news was that Ushra was still alive. The bad news was that Ushra was still alive, and her head was smoking heavily as the green liquid slowly ate her skin, leaving her face red.

Gala dropped her, and Ushra laid on the floor, blindly thrashing, her skin sticking to the floor and peeling off as she attempted to get up. Her screams were gargled through all the melting flesh and acid.

Gala and Cobb looked at each other like they knew something, and Cobb nodded in a silent agreement.

Cobb reluctantly stood above Ushra and rose his foot, looking away as he did so. He stomped on her chest as hard and as fast as he could, cracking bones and smashing organs, blood flying up his leg.

“It’s better this way, it’s better this way…” He muttered to himself.

With one final gross smush, Ushra stopped breathing. Cobb knelt down, like he was doing a prayer.

“May your next existence be painless.” He said, “May your tomorrows be happy ones. Iris bless you.”

“It might be happy.” Laggy bellowed from a distance, “But it won’t be painless, boi-oing! Lucky for you, Cobb, this challenge is one where dying is easy, so I will bring back Ushra, allowing you to continue! Hooray!”

Ushra woke up like nothing ever happened to her, eyes snapping wide open. None of her wounds were there, and if nobody witnessed the event occur, nobody would ever suspect that Cobb crushed her ribs out of the mercy in his heart just a short minute ago. The deed was done, and everyone would just have to live with it.

Ushra started screaming.

—-

Xqbit scuttled ahead on all fours, carrying Gul in its mouth. It was silent around them, as Xqbit was using its mouth for other purposes, and Gul was definitely not the kind of person to speak.

Somehow, Nikki and Mr. Shorty approached them, going the exact opposite direction they were.

“Oh, hiya!” Nikki yelled, “Is there anything over where you came from? ‘Cause we couldn’t find anything on our end, you know…”

“Ah, really?” Xqbit said, dropping Gul as he talked, “You never found anything?”

“Ow.” Gul said.

“Nothing.” Mr. Shorty added, “Why are you so surprised? Did you foolishly get your hopes up? Don’t do that.”

“Well…” Xqbit said, “Laggy told us there was a treasure over here, so…”

“A treasure?”

“Big treasure, real valuable one, right over where you came from.”

“Ah…!”

“Laggy never said that, it’s lying.” Gul muttered, “Don’t believe a word it says.”

“Oh, dude!” Nikki huffed, “You lied to us? That is not nice, alright? Don’t do that!”

“Goddammit, pup!” Xqbit yelled, “Just let me do my thing!”

“Nope.” Gul said.

“Oh, fuck you!”

“Well, now we know where you’re going.” Mr. Shorty said, “If you lied and tried to make us go back in this direction, then you must be planning on going back the way you came…”

Xqbit stared at the tiny alien, sighed, then whipped his tail, tripping both him and Nikki over.

“Wha- Hey!” Nikki yelled.

In one swift motion, Xqbit picked up Gul by the scruff of his neck and scampered away.

“Um, yikes!” Nikki yelled at them, “Rude!”

—-

“We see the moonlight in your eyes,” Twinkle Mania sung as he danced around Lana, who slowly rolled forward in her wheelchair, “You dance like-“

“I dance like what?” Lana snapped, “I can’t exactly dance.”

“Oh-ho! That’s silly! Everyone can dance!”

“Not me, dumbass. I can’t even walk.”

“You have your upper body, though! Twinkle Mania admits that legs are important to dancing, but you can still do it!”

Lana’s arms worked harder as her wheelchair sped up, running over Twinkle Mania’s twinkle-toes. Twinkle Mania’s smile didn’t falter, however.

“Listen, we’re not getting into this shit.” Lana hissed, “I’m getting out of here and getting that wish, alright?”

“Oh! What are you going to wish for?”

“What do you think, dipshit? New fucking legs.”

“Twinkle Mania wouldn’t wish for new legs if Twinkle Mania were you. What if it gives you horse legs?”

“Pfft, whatever. Not like that can stop me...”

They both stopped as Cream Cheese ran past them, barking loudly. Quyen chased after him, panting loudly, tripping in front of the duo.

“Fuck! Wait!” Quyen yelled, “Augh! Why won’t you wait?!”

“Heh.” Lana snickered, “You having problems there, Chumbrain?”

“It’s Quyen, and yes. This dumb alien thing won’t listen to me! I love it, it’s cute, but… Ugh!”

“Dumb alien…” Twinkle Mania repeated, “You mean the dog?”

“Dog?” Quyen muttered, “You… You know what that thing is? Oh, thank fuck, you guys need to help me out with this thing! How do I make it listen?”

“I’m not fucking telling you.” Lana hissed, “We need to go-“

“Does it have a name?” Twinkle Mania said, “Try calling out to it.”

“Cream Cheese!” Quyen hollered, “Get over here!”

Cream Cheese listened, running over to Quyen and barking. He ran in circles around the fish.

“Twinkle, we need to go.” Lana said.

“Tell Cream Cheese to sit!” Twinkle Mania yelled.

“Sit, Cream Cheese!” Quyen commanded, and Cream Cheese sat down, panting happily.

“...Riveting.” Lana said, “Okay, can we go now?”

"Hey, uh… Ye do realize this means I have to come with ye guys now, right?" Quyen said, "I need someone to help me out with this thing."

“No.” Lana grumbled.

"Okay!" Twinkle Mania yelled, "We like the doggy!"

“Just as long as we  _ fucking hurry up and leave already! _ ” Lana screeched, “God! Fucking catch me if you can, shit for brains!”

Lana grabbed onto her wheels and furiously turned them, zipping away, the other three chasing her.

—-

“Are you sure you don’t want me to carry you, dearie?” Peedy said, “I have my saddle on for a reason.”

“I’m fine.” Sugar huffed.

Peedy slowly scuttled along, trying her hardest not to run at full speed and leave Sugar behind in the dust. Her tendrils twitched in impatience.

“I could go a lot faster if you were on me.”

“No, that’s degrading.”

“To you or to me?”

“Both.”

“Oh, no no no, dearie!” Peedy said, “It’s not degrading to me at all! Come along, hop on my back!”

Sugar sighed and climbed on top of Peedy, sitting down on her saddle.

“Oh, comfy.” He said.

“It was expensive, so it better be. Let’s go!”

Any regular person would have yelped in surprise as Peedy shot off like a bullet, skittering across the floor, but Sugar was not a regular person.

\---

Meanwhile, Ushra was dusting herself off, shaking heavily. Gala scratched at her wrists while Ky-6 awkwardly shifted around.

"I'm…" Cobb said, "I'm sorry…"

Ushra looked over to Cobb and shivered, averting her gaze. She tried to keep a straight face and failed.

"It's fine." She replied, "You did what you felt was right."

"Ushra-"

"Listen, I'm not mad. Just… scared. Confused."

Ky-6 tapped her forelegs together and placed a board made of light over the acid lagoon. She gestured for the duo to come over.

"Come on." She said, "It's the least I can do."

"I, uh…" Ushra muttered, "I don't really want to…"

"I can carry you!" Cobb exclaimed.

Ushra's face fell for a split second and Cobb noticed. She didn't know that Cobb noticed, but he did. He did, and  _ Iris  _ did it hurt.

"I mean…" He continued, "If that's okay with you."

_ He didn't mean it. _

Ushra took a deep breath.

"Fine."

She winced as Cobb picked her up and waddled over the lagoon, gently putting her back down on the other side.

"There we go!" Cobb chuckled, "You're over!"

Ushra remained tense, alert, ready to run.

Cobb noticed.

—

Deep in the depths of the box maze, there was a door locked with a number padlock. It was labelled “Laggy’s Funtime Locked Door of Funtime and Locks and Also Doors” and was sealed up tight. Claire, Aieti, Glol, And Meymona all arrived there at the same time.

“Hey!” Claire said, waving, “Early bird gets the worm, huh?”

“Statistically, possibly.” Meymona sighed as she hung out of Glol’s side, “Listen, just let me unlock this thing, I’m good with technology.”

Aieti and Claire nodded. Meymona smirked as she started fiddling with the lock.

—-

Mack, carrying Globster, rounded a corner and bumped into Nikki, similarly carrying Mr. Shorty.

“Oh, hello.” He said.

“Globster.” Globster said.

“Hey!” Nikki yelled excitedly, “We’re, like, twinning!”

“Twinning?” Mr. Shorty asked.

“Ah, yes! Twinning.” Mack repeated as he nodded, despite not knowing what the fuck the girl meant, “We are, um, twinning.”

“Haha!” Nikki giggled, “Oh! Just so you know, if you see a really tall white alien with one eye, don’t trust him.”

“He tried to fuck us over.” Mr. Shorty added, “Makes me want to die even more.”

“Oh, uh, okay.” Mack said, “Thanks.”

“Globster.” Globster said.

“Anyways, see you later!” Nikki yelled, “I got things to do! Bye, twin!”

Nikki walked past Mack, and Mack scrunched his face up in confusion.

“Twinning?”

“Globster.” Globster said.

“I have no idea what you said, but I feel like it was mean.”

—-

“So, that’s a dog?” Quyen asked, “Ye keep it as a pet?”

Cream Cheese ran around the group, barking loudly.

“Yep!” Twinkle Mania said, “They’re-“

“Slowing us down…” Lana huffed.

“Cute as a button!” Twinkle Mania finished.

“Yar, I see that.” Quyen said with a nod, “Wait, what is he-?”

Everybody stared as Cream Cheese squatted, pooping on the floor.

“Well.” Lana snickered, “Your dog. Better clean that up.”

“I have to clean it up?!”

Cream Cheese barked and ran around, stepping in the poop and squishing it under his paws, making a long trail of brown footprints behind him as he ran without a care.

Lana smirked as Quyen put her head in her hands.

—-

“Pizza, pizza, pizza!” Lina sung, much to the dismay of Victor, “Pizza is so healthy!”

“No, it’s not.” Victor scoffed.

“Yes! It has only the finest meat-based ingredients, guaranteed to make you smile!”

“Bold of you to assume that I can smile, lion.”

They stopped as they watched Xqbit crawl into a tube embedded in the wall, one of those tubes you would find in a playground. Gul sat outside of the tube, staring at nothing.

“Pup, it’s fine in here!” Xqbit yelled from inside the tube, “Just get in!”

Gul rolled his eyes even though Xqbit couldn’t see him do it.

“This is where fucking we need to go, you little shit, so you better get your ass in here now!”

With a sigh, Gul stuck his head in the tube.

“Oh, finally, you come in-“

“Suck a dick.” Gul said before pulling himself out of the tube.

“You son of a bitch!”

Xqbit crawled out of the tube and grabbed Gul by the neck.

“Okay, listen up you shithead, we need to go in there and-“

Xqbit noticed Victor and Lina standing there, watching. It frowned.

“You know.” Xqbit continued, “Go somewhere else because this is a dead end.”

“They were there the entire time.” Gul said.

“Shhh…. Shut the fuck up.”

“I have tallied up the fines associated with your bad behaviours, sirs.” Lina beeped, “You must be thrown off the properties for one and six expletives, respectively. My sincerest apologies.”

“We what?” Xqbit asked as Lina lumbered towards it, “Hey, hey, what are you doing?!”

Lina dragged Xqbit out of the tube with no issue and held it up. She cocked her head, looking over the alien before turning to pick Gul up.

“Hey, hey!” Xqbit yelled, “Put me down! Help me out here, pup!”

Gul instinctively shriveled up in fright, hiding inside his suit. Lina picked him up with her other paw, carrying them away from the tube. She walked away, further and further…

“...Wait, you need to finish the challenge with me!” Victor yelled, “You dumbass, get back here!”

Lina looked back at Victor, loudly whirring. She dropped Gul and Xqbit on the ground.

“You must be thrown off the properties for one hundred and twenty five expletives. My sincerest apologies.”

“Only if you can catch me first, you fucking scrap of… of shit metal! It’s like sheet metal but  _ shit! _ ”

Lina slowly walked towards Victor as he ducked into the pipe and crawled away.

“One hundred and twenty eight expletives…” Lina beeped.

—-

Peedy galloped along, Sugar clinging tightly to her back.

She screeched to a halt suddenly as she barreled towards Mack and Globster, almost throwing Sugar off her saddle. He didn’t care, but Peedy sure did.

“Oh dear!” She gasped, “Sugar, are you okay?”

“Fine.”

Peedy looked down. Mack was wide-eyed, and Globster was just…

“Globster.”

That.

“You run fast.” Mack said as his skin slowly started to regain its colour, “You run… so fast…”

“Oh, darling!” Peedy said, “I am so sorry for scaring you! Would you like a ride?”

“Uh…” Mack muttered, gesturing towards Sugar.

“Right. Sugar, do you mind?”

“It’s cool.” Sugar said, “Love to have company.”

“Wowie!” Mack suddenly screamed, starry-eyed, “This is gonna be so fun!”

“Globster.” Globster said.

Mack quickly scrambled on, Globster under his arm, and Peedy shot off like a bullet.

—-

After a while, Gala and Ky-6 joined the group waiting for Meymona to crack the lock. Aieti shifted nervously, and Ky-6 grunted impatiently.

“I can just break it.” She said.

“Haha, no.” Meymona replied, “You can’t! We don’t even have a-“

Ky-6 tapped her legs together and formed a baseball bat shaped beam of hard light. It stuck to her foreleg, her leg smooshing around it like a beanbag when you sit in it.

“Weapon…” Meymona finished.

She stared at Ky-6 blankly, her definition of “impossible” slowly losing its meaning. Meymona’s head spun as the sudden realization that, yes, she is surrounded by aliens who can do alien things beyond what she ever researched beat her brain like Ky-6’s bat against the lock.

Her whole life, Meymona wanted to discover more and more, think about everything, but for once in her life, she wanted to just turn her brain off.

_ “No.”  _ She thought,  _ “I am only useful for my brains. I am the smartest one here and they all need me.” _

“Hmm.” Ky-6 said, “Ah, guess I can’t actually break it. It was worth a try.”

“You see!” Meymona said with a smile, her self-worth reaffirmed, “I need to hack that lock!”

“Wait.” Claire interrupted, “Aieti has something she wants to say.”

“I can, um, p-pick the lock.” Aieti whispered.

Meymona’s heart dropped.

_ “She’ll fail.” _ Meymona reassured herself,  _ “You have your degree, your masters, you graduated top of your class, she can’t-“ _

**_Click._ **

“There you go.” Aieti muttered as she opened the lock, “I, uh, I hope I didn’t t-take too long… There was a problem with the-“

Aieti went on talking about things Meymona didn’t understand, talking like it was so simple, so… so…  _ Fuck! _

Meymona didn’t understand. For once, Meymona didn’t really even  _ want  _ to understand.

“You’re so smart!” Gala said.

“Great job!” Claire yelled encouragingly.

She glared at Aieti as the group entered the door, Aieti shrivelling up in fear.

“Don't get cocky, weirdo.” Meymona whispered.

—-

Nikki frowned as she walked along, seemingly shuddering with some sort of pent up energy.

“I can’t think of anything to talk about!” She suddenly blurted out.

“You don’t  _ need  _ to say anything.” Mr. Shorty said.

“Yeah, but… But I want to talk! But you’re an alien! You don’t know my culture! You don’t know my cartoons… I can’t think of anything to say that isn’t based in that!”

“That’s… sad. I mean, it’s sad that you have such a hard time connecting to people on a one-to-one basis that you end up resorting to pop culture references to fill in the void. Are all of your kind like that? Do you form groups over mutual interests and nothing else? Do you form whole societies based on something dumb like… like where you were born? Do you value the genetic similarities between you and some people more than how they treat you?”

Nikki looked down at Mr. Shorty, then back in front of her. She looked down and back, down and back, down… She frowned as she looked ahead.

“Maybe.” She said.

“I want to die, but I want to die for a reason.” Mr. Shorty said, “I find it sobering and slightly uplifting to know that your kind is just as shitty as mine in some regards.”

“I, uh…”

“Oh, watch out.”

Nikki almost stepped on a button, but stopped before she put her foot down.

“Whew.” She sighed, “Thanks, I don’t want to know what that could have done!”

Nikki stepped over the button onto another button, which clicked loudly as she activated it.

“Oops.”

The ceiling caved in above them, and Ushra came tumbling down. She hit the ground face-first with a groan. Cobb stared down from above them, wincing.

“Ushra?” He called out, “Are you okay?”

“Ish fiiiine.” Ushra slurred, “Jus’ a tumble! Jus’ a… tumgly.”

“Yikes.”

—-

“We should abandon her.” Lana said to Twinkle Mania, “Don’t you want that wish? She’s holding us back.”

“Didn’t the bunny say that this wouldn’t determine who the wish went to?”

“That’s not fucking important, dumbass. What’s important is that she is holding you back, and I need you in order to win. This could be a big thing.”

They both watched as Quyen struggled to pick up the poop with a napkin, the poop breaking apart, half of it dropping back onto the ground. When she tried to pick the rest of it up, she ended up dropping more poop than she picked up.

“She could be here all day.” Lana said, “Every second she spends pawing over shit-“

“Finning over shit, more like.”

“Not fucking important! Okay, look, sit here and watch her handle shit if you want to, I’m not staying here. I’m going, I’m winning, and I will make your life hell with that wish.”

“Hey! Don’t you need us to win? We can afford to keep Quyen around, just-”

“Listen, crackhead,  _ you _ need  _ me  _ to win too.” Lana said, “So, um! Follow me or perish! Enough wasting time!”

Lana rolled away in her wheelchair, leaving Twinkle Mania behind. He looked at Quyen, still ineffectually picking up the doggy droppings, then looked at his teammate.

“Wait!” He yelled, running after her.

Quyen looked over and grunted.

“Aye!” She yelled, standing up, “Ye can’t leave me like this! Wait up!”

—-

Meymona, Glol, Ky-6, Gala, Claire, and Aieti all stood at a fork in the road.

“Who in their right mind leaves a fork in the middle of nowhere?” Claire sighed as she picked up the fork, “Waste not, want not!”

There was also a divergence in the paths, one going to the right, and one going to the left.

“Well.” Gala said, “Since you did so well earlier, do you have any suggestions, Aieti? You’re very smart, darling.”

Meymona felt her fucking blood boil.

_ Very smart. _

That’s  _ her  _ job. That’s who  _ she  _ is. She can’t be  _ replaced. _

“Oh, uh…” Aieti muttered, “I, uh, you know… I couldn’t possibly-“

“Yeah, you heard her.” Meymona snapped, “She  _ couldn’t possibly. _ So, let’s go to the left, I feel some wind coming from over there.”

She would have stomped off right that second if Glol didn’t still have her half absorbed.

“Actually.” Aieti said, “Wind could come from anything. A fan, a window, someone running really fast… Due to the layout of the box so far, and assuming that Laggy only wants to  _ minimally  _ break the fabric of space-time, considering how Victor’s eyes exploded when he saw too much, the right is a better option… Or something. I… Whatever…”

Meymona felt her eye twitch.

“Seems reasonable.” Claire said cheerfully, “All in favour, say yes.”

Everybody except Meymona agreed.

“Fine then.” She said, “ _ Fine.  _ Go on and get lost in the depths of this box for all I care, don’t say I didn’t warn you. We’re going left, Glol.”

Glol hesitatingly nodded and scuttled down the left pathway.

“Yikes.” Ky-6 said, “What’s her problem?”

—-

Victor’s legs burned as he ran, every step shooting a flare of red-hot pain up his feet and into his thighs. He wasn’t about to stop, though. He  _ couldn’t  _ stop.

“Come baaaaack!” Lina squealed, “This isn’t tag! This is serious! You’re in big trouble!”

“Suck my dick!”

“One hundred and thirty seven expletives.”

Having the robot catch him could mean many things. Victor didn’t want to think about what those things could be. Victor didn’t want to think about the robot at all.

**Whomp.**

Of course he tripped. Of fucking  _ course  _ he would tumble over and fall flat on his face when the robot’s right behind him.

“It’s time-out time.” Lina beeped as she picked up Victor by the back of his shirt, “Bad boy.”

She plopped him down in a corner and waited.

“Okay.” She said after a couple seconds, “That’s it. Time out over. Let’s keep playing!”

What the  _ fuck. _

—-

Walking, walking, walking… So much walking.

Then, finally… There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, for Gala and crew, it was more like a Laggy at the end of the hallway.

_ “First one to find me wins!” _

Claire and Ky-6 exchanged a glance, one that said “I’m ready to fight.”. Claire shot forward, Aieti slithering behind her. Ky-6 scuttled forth, and Gala ran.

Ky-6 and Claire were neck-and-neck, but their respective partners were way behind. They both made it to Laggy at the same time.

“Come on!” Claire cheered, “Aieti! You can do it!”

“Go fast or whatever.” Ky-6 said.

Aieti and Gala ran closer and closer to their friends, but then…

—-

“I’m gonna puke.” Mack muttered to himself as Peedy kept running, “I’m gonna puke, I’m gonna puke, I’m gonna-“

Suddenly, the hallway they were in shifted into non-existence, bringing them back outside. Peedy screeched to a halt.

“Hmm?” Sugar muttered.

“Globster.” Globster said.

All the contestants gathered around Laggy, who looked as pleased as could be, Gutzybod standing by it.

“Everybody!” It yelled, “Gala and Ky-6 have won the challenge! Hooray!”

They both clapped, and various other contestants clapped too. Gala grinned wide while Ky-6 just stood there.

“This is just the first of many challenges to get that wish, boi-oing!” Laggy said, “You two will be picking out teams! Isn’t that fun?”

“Teams?” Gala repeated.

“Yes, teams! Everyday, I’ll ask you guys to do a fun little activity like this one! If you lose, you’ll have to vote amongst yourselves for someone in your team to not get the wish. Then we’ll do it until we have one person left! Hooray!”

Two little electronic stands popped up in front of Gala and Ky-6, every one of their fellow contestants’ faces on them.

“Keep that all in mind when you choose who you want on your teams. You want someone dependable! Someone who can help you win!”

“Oh, how unfortunate.” Gala said, “We need to be on separate teams… I very much enjoyed working with you, Ky-6.”

“We can still be friends or whatever.” Ky-6 replied, “So, uh… Don’t worry.”

“That’s nice to hear. Hey, you want to pick first? It’s only fair, you helped me out a lot today.”

“Oh! That’s… That’s very sweet of you. I don’t know who to choose, though…”

Ky-6 thought harder than she ever thought before, then she had an epiphany.

“Okay, I would like to have Cobb on my team.” She said as she poked at her screen, “He’s strong, kind, and can fly!”

“Oh!” Cobb said, “First chosen? Wow! I’m so honoured… I won’t let you down!”

Cobb fluttered over to Ky-6 and gave her a high five.

“Dammit.” Gala muttered, “I was gonna choose Cobb. Oh well! C’est la vie!”

Cobb blushed.

“You guys both wanted me? Oh, that’s so sweet!”

“Well, judging off of appearances, I can assume that Quyen seems strong enough.” Gala said.

“Aye!” Quyen cheered as she walked over, before pursing her lips, “Wait, I thought you didn’t have eyes?”

“I can see chemical structures and therefore your general shape. Very muscular! Very strong!”

“How nice of ye to say!”

“Um…” Ky-6 mumbled, “I think we should have… Uh…”

“Ushra.” Cobb whispered.

“Ushra!”

Ushra winced, but quickly recovered.

“Thanks for picking me!” Ushra said as she joined her team, “I won’t let you down!”

“Oh, come on!” Victor yelled, “You can’t be serious! Anyone who wears a helmet at all times definitely has some kind of fucking problem!”

“You have a problem.” Sugar scoffed.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You have a problem. You’re a jerk with no redeeming qualities.”

“Yeah, okay, judge me based on one fucking day. You’re so much better than me, dickwad.”

“Okay, shut up!” Ky-6 boomed, and everyone shut up, “Gala, it’s your turn.”

“I need brains, so…”

Meymona smirked.

“I knew it.” She said, “I’m next, right?”

“No, I was thinking Aieti. She hacked that lock, remember?”

“What.”

“Oh, um…” Aieti mumbled, “I’m honoured…”

_ “Smart, but shy.”  _ Gala thought,  _ “That might help me if we lose… In fact, everybody might have some sort of  _ flaw  _ that will make them leave before me…” _

“I think I’ll take Claire.” Ky-6 said, “I like the way you cheered Aieti on.”

“Ha, thanks!” Claire said, “I’m a cheerleader! It’s sort of my thing!”

_ “You’ll need to go for someone with no redeemable qualities at some point.”  _ Gala pondered,  _ “But when? If everyone is good, then nobody is. If nobody is good, then I’m not good. If I’m not good… No, I need someone useful still, we do need to win some challenges.” _

Gala noticed Sugar atop of Peedy and got an idea.

“Peedy.” She said, “You can carry this team literally and figuratively.”

Sugar hopped off of Peedy and she scuttled over.

“Ah, thank you.” She said, “I knew my new saddle would come in handy!”

“Sugar.” Ky-6 said, “You’re the tallest of your species here, so you, like, probably have to be the strongest. Plus, pink is a nice colour.”

Sugar shuffled over to his team.

“Cream-“ Gala said.

“No.” Quyen said, “He’s cute, but no. Leave him to someone who knows how to handle him.”

“Okay, Glol.”

Glob scuttled over, Meymona still trapped in him.

“I’m so offended.” Meymona hissed.

“This is an issue.” Laggy said, “Oh, hang on!”

Laggy snapped its fingers, and Glol disintegrated. Meymona stood among the ashes, confused.

“Well.” She said, “This must mean I’m part of your team now, huh?”

“No.” Gala said.

Glol reformed from the ashes and scuttled next to Gala, emphasizing the point.

“Hey.” Ky-6 said, “You can be… You can be on my team.”

Sugar rolled his eyes as Meymona finally joined his team.

“Um.” Gala muttered, “I want… Victor.”

Even Victor seemed to be surprised at that one. His eyes widened, like a deer in headlights.

“What the fuck.” He said, “You  _ actually  _ want me? Did someone drop you on your head as a baby?”

“...What’s a baby?”

Ky-6 stared at who was left. Globster, Nikki, Twinkle Mania, Lana, Mack, Lina, Mr. Shorty, Cream Cheese, Gul, and Xqbit all stood in front of her, eagerly (or not so eagerly) awaiting their turn.

“Lina.” Ky-6 said.

“No!” Ushra yelled, “No. Please don’t.”

“Hurray!” Lina beeped as she joined her team.

Claire wrapped her arms around the two, smiling widely.

“You two need to settle your differences.” She said, “Being on the same team brings so many opportunities to do so!”

Ushra scoffed at that.

“Twinkle Mania has a well-defined core. Limber.” Gala said.

“Wowie!” Twinkle Mania yelled, “We won’t let you down!”

“Well, Lana’s half-robot.” Ky-6 replied.

“I’m… I’m not half-robot, dipshit.” Lana said as she wheeled over to her team, “But, no take backs.”

“Did you think that through?” Gala asked.

“Hmm?” Ky-6 muttered.

“You have  _ Lina  _ and  _ Lana  _ on the same team. Won’t that get confusing?”

“...Oh.”

_ “Okay, now pick someone awful.” _ Gala thought,  _ “Pick cannon fodder, pick someone who’s annoying, who’s gonna get on everyone’s nerves, who everybody will fucking  _ hate.  _ Someone…” _

“I think dogs should vote.” Nikki said as she held Cream Cheese.

“Nikki.” Gala said, “You’re on my team.”

“...Can I take him with me?”

“Y-“

“No.” Quyen said.

“Can we have him?” Ky-6 asked.

“Please.”

Nikki put down Cream Cheese and went to her team. Cream Cheese didn’t go to his team, however, because he is a dog and thus had no idea what was going on.

_ “Globster and Gul are too forgettable…”  _ Gala thought.

_ “It’s neat how small and wonderful Cream Cheese is.”  _ Ky-6 thought.

_ “Mack is… less than suitable for physical activity…” _

_ “Mr. Shorty is small and cute.” _

_ “Xqbit is… Wait, did I meet it? Yes, we met near Victor’s corpse. Asshole. Intolerable. Then again, so is Victor, and I chose him… Is it more tolerable? It can’t be too good at challenges, or else it will defeat its purpose of being on my team!” _

_ “I want Mr. Shorty.” _

“Mack.” Gala said.

“Mr. Shorty.” Ky-6 immediately said afterwards.

_ “She’s thinking really fast about this…”  _ Gala thought,  _ “Does she know something I don’t?! Dammit!” _

_ “Haha, Mr. Shorty is fluffy.”  _ Ky-6 thought as she pet the alien.

“Stop!” He whined.

The final three rejects stood, Globster, Gul, and Xqbit. Xqbit was filing its nails, Gul was hiding in his own clothes, and Globster was… sitting, mostly.

“Someone can carry Globster.” Gala said, “It won’t be too much of a liability.”

“You could have chosen someone who  _ wasn’t  _ a liability at all.” Xqbit hissed, “Someone with legs. Someone like me.”

Ky-6 awkwardly tapped her forelegs together.

“Hmm… Someone flip a coin?”

Claire flipped a coin and grinned as it landed on tails. She suddenly frowned.

“Wait, which one’s which?”

“Well, Gul doesn’t have a tail.” Meymona said, “But we shouldn’t choose our team based on-“

“Xqbit!” Ky-6 said.

“Goddammit.”

“And that leaves us with… him.” Gala said, gesturing over to Gul.

“Hurray!” Laggy shouted, “The teams are sorted! Now, choose names!”

“Hungy Bungy!” Nikki instantly shouted.

“...I was thinking more like an adjective, and then a noun, boi-oing.”

“Gorby Horberts!”

“...An  _ adjective,  _ and then a  _ noun. _ ”

“Plopert Hopbries!”

Laggy’s eye twitched.

_ “An adjective and a noun.” _

“Hoopy Doopies!”

Nikki winced as Laggy flicked its arm, picking her up psychically by her collar. Laggy hissed, and Gutzybod stood by it, a little worried.

“That’s it!” It yelled, “You disrespect me and my game, boi-oing? Well, guess what!”

“...What?”

“You are now  _ officially  _ on your own team! By yourself!”

Laggy flung Nikki into her own little third team, consisting of only her.

“Ah, wait!” She yelled as she stood up, “That’s not fair!”

Laggy blinked, then frowned, sad.

“...You’re right.” Laggy said sheepishly, “That’s not fair. You need a teammate for it to be a team.”

Laggy looked over to Ky-6’s team, closing its eyes. It picked up Lana psychically.

“Wait! Wait!” Lana screeched as Laggy carried her over, “This is unfair! I didn’t fucking do anything! I didn’t-!”

“Welcome to your new team!” Laggy cheered.

Lana was plopped down next to Nikki. She glared at her new teammate.

“You” She growled, “are a disgrace to this entire fucking planet, all the planets the rest of these losers are from, and wherever the fuck we are now, and I will  _ never  _ let you forget this moment.”

“...Nice to meet you too.” Nikki muttered.

“Fuck!” Lana screamed as she rattled her wheelchair, “Fuck, fuck, fuckity… Fuck! Fucking! Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuuck!”

“Okay, I change my mind, I’ll decide team names!” Laggy said cheerfully, “Ky-6’s team are the… Wooden Blocks! Gala, you guys are the… Pretty Flowers! Um, you two over there should be the… Lonely Wheels!”

“Lonely Wheels.” Lana repeated, “Lonely  _ fucking  _ Wheels!”

“Oh, because there’s only two of us…” Nikki said, “And you’re in a wheelchair. I don’t know if that’s clever or if I’m just-“

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Oka-“

“When I say shut up, you  _ don’t  _ agree. You just do it.”

Nikki nodded.

“Anyways!” Laggy cheered, “It’s sleepytimes! Hang on just a moment…”

Gutzybod took a step to the side to make room for Laggy to spin wildly. It spun and spun and spun…

“Wee!” It yelled as it slowly stopped spinning, “Okay, fun time over! I should make sleepytime accommodations, boi-oing!”

Laggy dizzily swung its arms around, three cabin-like buildings made of massive, brightly coloured building blocks appearing out of nowhere in a neat little row.

It pointed to the leftmost cabin.

“Wooden Blocks.”

Middle cabin.

“Pretty Flowers.”

Rightmost cabin.

“Lonely Wheels.”

“I have to sleep with her.” Lana grumbled lowly, her head in her hands, “Of fucking course.”

“It’s kinda like a sleepover.” Nikki said.

“Did I say you could talk?!”

“I want the best bed!” Gala yelled as she scuttled into her cabin, “I’m the team leader!”

Laggy clapped happily as the teams went into their respective rooms.

“I will admit that being in a room with men makes me uncomfortable.” Claire sighed as she climbed on the top bunk of a bed that rested right in the innermost corner of the room, “Mr. Shorty, Sugar, Cobb, Xqbit… Take a bed that isn’t near mine, alright? Please?”

Sugar nodded and took the bottom bunk in the bed in the adjacent corner, as far away from her as he could manage.

“May I join you?” Cobb asked, “A top bunk is very easy for me, and I wouldn’t like to make the lady uncomfortable.”

“Sure.”

Cobb smiled, fluttered upwards, and sat down in his new bed.

“You can’t tell me what to do.” Xqbit said.

“You  _ will _ sleep far away from Claire.” Ky-6 boomed, flashing her lights.

“Okay…”

“Come take this bed, Ushra!” Cobb said as he patted the bed next to him, “We can talk!”

“I can’t.” She replied, “I’ll fall off and break my neck.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Anyone who can get on the top bunk should be on the top bunk.” Meymona said, “Ky-6, you can’t get up there, can you?”

“Eh… nope. I can’t climb that ladder.”

“It’s too high up.” Mr. Shorty said, “I can’t.”

“Cream Cheese can’t.” Meymona continued, “Hey, Lina, can you sleep up there? ...Lina?”

Lina sat in the corner, plugged into the wall. She sat motionless, softly buzzing.

“...Right. She’s a robot.”

Cream Cheese hopped onto Sugar’s bed and rolled around, lying on his lap.

“...What a beautiful baby.” Sugar said quietly.

“Hmmph, I suppose more people can be on the floor than I thought.” Meymona said, “Well, I will be in the top bunk. Wakes me up in the mornings, you know?”

Everybody snuggled into their beds, and Cobb reached over to turn off the light. They all would have slept immediately, but…

“Victor, ye can’t sleep in the entire cabin by yourself!” Quyen screeched from the Pretty Flowers’ Cabin, “Are ye doing this just to annoy us?!”

“Possibly.”

“Argh! Well, it’s working.”

“That doesn’t matter.” Gala said, “He could be first eliminated anyways, and having someone so much worse than everyone else in here… Most of us would be safe by default, you know?”

Gala slowly climbed up onto her bunk, swinging her legs over the side.

“Quyen, come sleep under me.”

“Yar, alright.”

“Twinkle Mania doesn’t care who we sleep with!” Twinkle Mania yelled, “As long as we get the top bunk!”

Mack looked up at the top bunk. His new human legs… Could he climb up there?

“Can I get under you?” Mack asked.

“Okie!”

“Globster.” Globster said.

“You don’t have legs.” Aieti muttered, “Neither do I…”

“Neither of you could ever get up there.” Gala said.

“Oh, no, I can get up there. I just can’t, uh… I can’t get down.”

Gala had a look on her face that said "Please elaborate".

"I can, uh… jump." Aieti said.

Gala waited for a more in depth explanation, but didn't get one.

“Globster can’t get on the bottom bunk either.” Peedy said, “Someone please put them on the bed, please.”

“You said please twice…” Victor muttered to nobody in particular.

Aieti nodded and put Globster on the bottom bunk. Peedy took the bottom bunk next to them.

“I can’t get up on top, either.” She said, Sorry.”

“Gul, Victor, Glol, that means you three need to get on top.”

Glol nodded and slithered up the side of Peedy’s bed. Victor was about to say something presumably mean, but Gul beat him to it.

“I refuse to share a bed with any of you.” He said, “Hell, I… I refuse to share a room with any of you  _ freaks. _ I’m sleeping outside.”

Gul’s short moment of bravery ended as soon as he hid inside his suit again. He stomped outside, slamming the door behind him. Victor rolled his eyes.

“I ain’t sleeping outside.” He said, “I’ll sleep with the fucking blob or whatever.”

—-

“Lana?” Nikki said softly, “Do you… Do you need help?”

Lana sat in front of her bed, looking it over. Suddenly, she looked over her shoulder, scowling. She huffed, offended.

“No.” She said.

“Are… Are you sure-“

“Yes, I’m fucking sure! I’ve gone to bed before, asshole!”

“No, I mean, it… It’s a pretty high up bed-“

“I don’t fucking need you. Get lost.”

Nikki took a step back, then another one, then another, until she sat down on her bed.

Lana hauled at the ladder and at the side of the bed, attempting to lift herself onto her bed, but she couldn’t. She tried to push herself out of her wheelchair, but never could.

Minutes turned into an hour as Nikki waited for Lana to finally give in and ask for help. She slowly laid down as an hour turned into two, and when it became three hours, she was asleep. Hours went by as Lana tried to pull herself into her bed, gritting her teeth and grunting loudly.

Finally, Lana huffed, crossing her arms. She grabbed a pillow off of her bed and put it behind her head, she dragged the blankets off and pulled them over her.

Hours after everyone else was asleep, Lana finally drifted off, alone and uncomfortable in her wheelchair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone’s worried, nobody is truly as simple as they’re looking right now, so any stereotypes or lack of depth is gonna be addressed with new updates, new scenarios, and new trauma. thats just how i roll, it takes a while for the troubles to appear

**Author's Note:**

> hey, if you enjoyed this chapter and any future chapters of azun, why not recommend it to a friend or two, or leave a comment? feedback sure does help the old gears in me head grind and pump out some good old-fashioned brain juice to slather all over the internet! thank you!


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